Familiar voices

When it's late at night and I'm sitting around in this big house all alone, I get to thinking. I think about stuff I didn't think would be an issue inside my head ever again. These thoughts aren't ones of regret and they certainly aren't ones of depression or any sort of sadness. They are simply contemplative and there is no other explanation but that.

Things aren't the same down here as they were when I lived down here last year. A lot has changed. I long to hear a familiar voice from back home when I get to feeling like things just aren't ever going to go my way no matter what life altering decisions I force myself to make. So many people have expressed how insanely proud of me they are and I would hate for this time in Myrtle Beach to be unsuccessful. I would hate to blow it. I would hate to lead people on. It's only been a single week and I fear my outlook here is too dim for my own good, which is extremely discouraging. Of course because it's only been a week, I'm not being fair in any of these assesments. As soon as situations look glum I automatically get glum myself. On the outside I hide it pretty decently, but inside I'm genuinely disappointed that I couldn't just pick up where I left off down here. I couldn't just return to those happy-go-lucky feelings I had last year. Unfortunately, life isn't about picking up where you left off, it's about starting fresh with each decision you make. I've gone into this move with the wrong type of mindset and if I want to succeed in making myself happy, I need to revert my thought process.

It's always soothing to hear a voice from home though, no matter who it is. When I hear that voice I'm suddenly transported to where they are and for those moments that we speak, it's all the comfort I need to know I'm going to be ok. I'm excited for myself and all the possibilities I have in front of me as far as my education goes and, well, pretty much as far as everything goes. I'm more nervous about it all than I thought I'd be too, and I think that stems from my fear of letting others that I love and care about, down. Of course I know no matter my outcome down south, or anywhere for that matter, the people that love me, will always.

I'm thinking this entry might confuse some of my wonderfully faithful readers, because just weeks ago I was preaching about how this is the first decision in my life I've ever been %100 sure about. Well, I'm not taking those words back by any means here. What I'm doing right now is venting. Venting about how life stinks sometimes. Venting about how sometimes it's hard to move 900 miles away from comfortable, safe, normalcy, home. Venting about how I'm scared to death I won't get into the school of my choice and then what?? That was basically the entire purpose to this move. Stuff doesn't always happen according to the plans we make for ourselves. That sounds very simple and it definetly sounds obvious, but it's true and I'm only recently letting that knowledge soak in. I'm a firm believer in everything happening for one reason or another and that's why I haven't gone totally nuts yet. I'm ok with patiently waiting and letting myself "go with the flow." This move so far, has helped me come to terms with the fact that instant gratification doesn't always occur and when it doesn't occur, I can't let myself get bent out of shape about it, because eventually, it will and hey, if I've learned that much in this little time, than that's a start right??

In closing, because it's late and I'm tired and I have a long day of laying on the beach ahead of me <---- be jealous it's ok; I just want to inform anyone who reads this, that if you ever decide to move far away from home, pick up the phone and call once in awhile. It's those familiar voices that will ultimately bring you sanity when you think there is none to be had......

Time to say "Thank You"

With my move back the beach looming in the extreme distant future, I wanted to take some time to contemplate on my love for family and friends in NY and it's high time I said thank you.

Even though these two people deserve more than mere thanks, I'm going to feebly put into words what the past 22 years have been like with them as my beloved mom and dad.....

.....Mom, your virtues are something to envy. Even though I consider our relationship to be a close mother/daughter bond, there are still some aspects I wish that were different about our closeness. What I'm trying to say is; I wish I was more like you. You are without a doubt the kindest woman on earth and anyone who knows you could agree with that statement. I wish I had half of "saintly" traits you possess. You've always lent your ears when I needed them and your wise advice when asked for. You've never said "I told you so." You've allowed me to grow in ways I never dreamed possible if I didn't have your constant support. Even though there have been plenty of times when I have disappointed you, I want you to know I try my hardest not to, believe it or not. To me, disappointing you and dad is much worse than any punishment, criticism, ridicule, or revenge I could ever receive. I love you mommy dearest, I'll miss you, thank you, from the bottom to the top of my heart....thank you.

Daddy dear, thank you so much for always carrying me on your shoulders. What a little princess I was, never wanting to walk around anywhere! I loved when your face got scraggly with a beard, the bristles tickled my little palms.
Have I ever told you that I admire you? If I did, I don't say it nearly as often as I think it. You are a Veteran and someone who makes it impossible not to be extremely proud of. I am blessed to have a hero for a father. You are a protector and all you do is care about others. You are always more than willing to drop what you're doing if I need you and come to my rescue (even if I am miles and miles away from home) Where you and mom are will always be where my heart is. I love you daddy, you are a remarkable man, so in my own way I'm trying to say....thank you.

Now, my two big brothers. Definitely could not have had two more perfect big bro's if I had the option of hand-picking them myself. Of course if I was 10 writing this entry I would be complaining about how annoying you both were; always beating on me, teasing me, making me cry, using me as your tackling dummy in the snow, taking my dolls and hiding them on me or ripping their hair out, etc. Fortunately, I'm not 10 anymore. I was always so lucky growing up to have you both on my side. You two have taught me so much, and you probably don't even realize it. So you didn't make it to all my cheerleading tournaments. You were there for me when it really counted and you continue to be. I like having friends as brothers. Thank you....thank you for just being you.

I don't even know where to begin to say thank you to the sister I never had. Aunt Chris I want you to know that I would not be me if you weren't around. You have helped guide me along the bumpy path of that which is my life. You have always made yourself very approachable. I believe I can tell you anything without worry of judgement or criticism (except of course when it comes to the decisions I have made involving certain piercings or "body art"--but we won't talk about that right now) You are constantly available to listen to me bitch or cry or anything of that nature. That isn't the case with just me either, you are this way with everyone in your life. I admire how you've given back to the people in your life who've nurtured you in the past. As frustrating as that may get sometimes, you still remain poised and devoted. I love you Aunt Chrissy, I'll miss you tremendously. Thank you for absolutely EVERYTHING you do for me, everything you give up for me, just plain EVERYTHING.

My lovely friggin girlfriends will not go un-thanked in this blog. You gals are my rock. Our friendships haven't always been tight and we've even gone certain amounts of time without speaking at all, but honestly that's what I love about each one of ya's. No matter what happens or how long it's been since we've talked, we've always managed to find our way back to each other and when we do.....it's as if nothing changed, we still love each other just as much as we did day one. Each one of you does something different for our click, and without any particular one, the click just wouldn't be the same. For this I must apologize, because sadly I'm leaving you girls. None of you will EVER be replaced in my heart and no amount of space or miles that separate will ever change that (sounds rather cliche) but it's the damn truth. Thank you for being my sanity when I feel scared or lonely. I know I'll always be able to count on you and I thank God for that. I love you....GOSH :)

Last but certainly not least....JSJ. Just because our relationship did not go as smoothly as either one of us had hoped and worked for, I'm always going to be thankful for ever having you in my life. I grew with you, I matured with you, I felt what true love was with you. I'll never forget the way you made me feel because genuinely I've never felt higher in my entire life. The "good" parts of our relationship always overcame the "bad," which is ultimately what helped us to last so long. Unfortunately, things changed and we'll just leave it at that. I need you to know how special you were/are to me , you will never be replaced and I thank you for all you did for me the past 5 years. I feel no regret and I feel no resentment. I'm glad I had the chance to be yours. Good luck in all you do, you will always be in my prayers and heart.

NY and the people I love will be missed, it's just time for me to go.

I've never been more sure....

I've been making a lot of life altering decisions lately. Normally, when it comes down to me making such a choice like where to go to school, whether or not to live on my own in an entirely different state, or whether or not to end a huge relationship with someone I've loved for the better part of my early adult life, I fold under the pressure and always go the safe route. You see, all the aforementioned are decions I have made in the past and quickly retracted because I was scared shitless to be completely honest. I was scared of being away from what was comfortable and "safe."

I've been doing the same thing with my life that I've been doing since I graduated from high school. I've been squeeking by, waiting tables, as I know I've complained about numerous times, and I have never done anything to make myself feel better about who I am and where my life is; until now.

I took myself right back to square one by moving back to New York this past winter, but I don't regret it. If I hadn't of moved back to Maylong Dr. I wouldn't have found out all the elements of myself that I never knew existed. I gathered up the courage to end what needed to end and I've made the decision to return to school and get my bachelor's degree. What's even better about this epiphany, is that I've made the choice to do so 800 miles away from home. 800 miles away from normalcy and safety. I made a pretty hefty decision not too long ago and my feelings were incredibly uneasy. Nothing felt right about my choices, and it was conflicting with everything I tried to accomplish. Some people in my life may tell me I'm acting irrationally and I'm making a hasty decision I'm going to end up regretting. Even if that were the case (which it's not) everyone knows it's ok to make fixable hasty decisions, because of that fact alone, they're fixable.

I'm doing the fixing now though. I'm cleaning up what needs cleaning and I'm leaving NY. I'm leaving behind stuff that should have been left behind a long time ago and I've never been more sure.....