Home's always gonna be home

I noticed nothing has changed here at home; all the places and faces have remained untouched it seems to me. It's comforting and unsettling all at once.

It's comforting because I love knowing there's always going to be some place for me to escape to if need be, but it's unsettling because how much of an "escape" is it honestly? I came back here not just for the holidays, family, and friends, but for a break from my new life. I realized though that I didn't need that break as bad as I thought I did. Coming back to the Roc reinforced my decisions to move and go back to school. In other words, I'm glad I moved, I'm happy where I'm at. Essentially it's home that I need a break from--only... it's not a break at all.

I was ecstatic to see my family again and of course over-joyed to see my friends. I'm leaving with bittersweet feelings about how much home is exactly the same and I'm facing the reality that it's I whose different now. I had all these expectations about what it would be like to see everyone and go to the usual places. I got see people I didn't even think I would and am disappointed at not seeing people I had hoped I would. I'm disappointed for other reasons as well, some are too personal to share this openly, but I will say this much....I've always been a very gullible person, I believe there is good in everyone and I truly, with all my heart and soul, believed I knew--I mean REALLY knew-- the people I love, or used to love for that matter. Truth is, I don't know those people at all. I feel slighted and sort of non-existent to certain people who were far from non-existent to me for many, many years of my life.

I said bittersweet because that's what this time home has been. I've made tiny self discoveries which make me sad, but truly happy all at once--if that's even possible.

I said bittersweet because it's enlightening to find out who the true people in your life are, but heartbreaking to find out who isn't.

I said bittersweet because as much as I don't want to say good-bye all over again to my family and friends....I'm ready to.

When you move away from home for the first time all by yourself you discover traits about you you never knew existed. When you return home for an occasional visit, don't think things will be the way you left them because they won't. You're different now, you see things differently as well. I know that now, and I guess in knowing, there's really no need to feel all that disappointed.

As obvious as this sounds, when someone really loves someone else--whatever kind of love that may be--they make efforts to show their love and when it's true, it's not really an effort at all, it's more like a part of them....something they do with no thought behind it whatsoever....like breathing. In coming home I learned that and I'm grateful that I did. It's not so bad being different....I've grown....and I'm glad I learned that too.



Happy '06 everyone!