Why?

I wish I had an answer to the ever-burning question inside me that arises every single time I do something completely irrational and careless.

"Why on earth did I do that?"

My answer is always I don't know, when in reality I know exactly why......because I'm careless, because I'm irrational.

I am extremely blessed in life, have been so far at least. I have a happy family filled with people who love me unconditionally and a hand full of friends who love me the same way. From what I know I am healthy and have a roof over my head. I'm not hungry and have never been deprived of things that I want or need. It is those blessings and so much more that make my life one I should be content with. However, I am selfish, bratty, insensitive. I take my blessings for granted and assume they will always be there for me. I assume God will always provide me no matter how awful I screw up.

So, recently I was given a chance to have love in my life again, for the first time in several months. I'm talking about the kind of love that seems as though it's only going to happen once so you better grab hold of it and never let go. The kind of love that I didn't think I deserved. The kind of love that's just rare in all aspects. Ya'll want to know what I did with it? I ran from it, but not before I ran completely over it. I underestimated my "readiness," if you will, and did not think things through as thoroughly as I should have. The result, broken hearts, shattered hopes, and loss of friendship. That's the worst part, I lost the chance to love but I lost a friend--yep, that's definitely the worst part of all this drama.

So again I ask, why on earth did I do that?

In my opinion the phrase "I'm sorry," loses all meaning when it's following an action you know full well is going to hurt someone who means the world to you and vice versa. Why do we hurt people we love? Are we testing their love for us? Do we even really love them? I mean because how else do people cheat? Or abuse? Or lie?

If anything I've learned from every single mistake I've made in the past and I'm sure I will learn from the ones I make in the future. I've also learned that friends like mine are once in a lifetime friends, priceless ones. I've come to a conclusion tonight as I write my deep dark emotions here for all to read....there is a pit in my stomach that won't go away. There is a broken piece of my heart that's fallen into the hands of someone dear to me that I've driven away, which of course means I won't get that missing piece back, unless forgiveness is mine.

There are a bunch of different ways we are given guidance throughout our lives. The obvious of course from our parents, our teachers, God, etc. Now, what we chose to let soak inside us is well, entirely up to us isn't it?