"Where was I last night?" Finale

I've always thought it to be strange that there are only bits and pieces of an evening that remain locked inside your memory's capacity. And then there are rather crucial parts from the prior evening, that have totally lost any glimmer of recollection. I mean of course one could say that it's the result of drinking entirely too much for your own good. But in my case; I feel like it goes deeper than that.

Drinking is my escape, as most alcoholics would say. It is a way for me to let loose, and do the things I only dream about doing when I'm sober. It allows me to act in any way that I please and hold no regard to the consequences, however life altering they can be. It also allows me to forget about the failing woman I have become. In the morning, I won't need to dwell on the actions I made when I was drunk, because I simply will not remember them.

I felt a chill in my bones as I sat in that bathroom. I did something last night, something huge. I can feel it deep inside myself. Suddenly I recognized who's bathroom I was in. It was Nate's. I immediately panicked because being in Nate's bathroom means I was in Ellen's as well. I bolted for the front door and then I heard my name.

"Val?"

I stood there in silence, my eyes glued to the door knob.

"Val, don't go, we need to talk," Nate subtly pleaded.

I turned around and became weak in the knees. He was still as good looking as ever. Damnit! Why couldn't he look awful? Why couldn't he look like the train wreck I was resembling this morning? I opened my mouth to tell him that talking wouldn't be necessary. Although I didn't remember the events from the night before, there was obviously a reason for that. I didn't want to know what awful acts of adultry I'm sure I committed. I wanted to tell him that I was completely fine with walking around obliviously forgetful and hungover.
No words came out when I opened my mouth. I stood there with a look of disdain on my face. I knew he would tell me what happened. He'd tell me how much he loves his wife and how whatever happened between him and I should never happen again. He'd be sorry for hurting me and then ask me to leave. I don't want to put myself through him asking me to leave. I don't want to hear how much he loves Ellen.
God he was handsome. I love you Nate. Why can't I just speak?

We stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity.

"Please sit down," he motioned me towards his ugly brown and yellow recliner.

I always told him he should send that hideous piece of furniture to the street, but he told me in his defense that he'd had that chair since the very first time he lived on his own out of his parents house and as long as it was in working order, he was keeping it. He said the chair was practically family. I laughed to myself as I sunk into the chair slouching my back in discomfort. Not only is this damn thing ugly, but it was extremely uncomfortable.

My mind races when I'm in sticky situations. Oh what awful things did you do last night, Val? You just don't know when enough is enough. I really shouldn't drink anymore.

Finally, he spoke.

"Last night was pretty crazy. I'm guessing you don't remember much?" The look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He was so easy to read sometimes I swear he doesn't even need to speak and I'll know exactly what's going on inside his head.

"No, I don't and I'm wondering if it's better that way." I'm surprised I got that much out.

That morning was probably when I hit rock bottom and soared to new heights all at once. Nate proceeded to fill in the foggy parts of my 30th birthday.
Jenn and Maggie (my sanity in this world who, thank God, haven't completely deserted my drunk ass yet) practically knocked down my door at dinner time and demanded I shower, get dolled up, and prepare myself for a night not soon to be forgotten. I did as they told me and we headed out for happy hour.

Yes, Jenn and Maggie know about my drinking problem, which is why this particular happy hour was going to be different. All any of us were going to drink was frozen VIRGIN daquiries. They wanted to prove to me that it was possible to have a great time sober. They were thrilled about their plan and couldn't wait to show me how fun life can be, WITHOUT drinking alcohol. Truthfully, I was already drunk when they arrived at my apartment. I had been drinking all afternoon. That's how talented I was, I could actually hide how wasted I was quite well. Obviously I sobered up as the evening progressed and drinking all those frozen drinks was giving me a headache. I regretfully announced at about 10 pm that I would be turning in early. My head ached, my heart ached, and being sober depressed me even more than I already was. The girls fussed for awhile but eventually gave in and took me home.

I was wasted again by midnight watching The Tonight Show, when my phone rang and startled me.

"Happy birthday sweetheart." Nate's voice was softer than silk and just hearing him on the phone sent my heart to my toes. How perfect would it be if he told me right then that he had left Ellen and loved only me? I would tease him a little and tell him I was in disposed with someone else at the moment and ask to call him back. Then I wouldn't call him back until the next day or even the next day after that, and then tease him a bit more before finally giving in to a date, all the while yearning for him like I never have before.

"Nate?" My voice cracked causing me to sound like a true smoker.

I thanked him for calling and acted as though I was busy, so to be the one to end the conversation with him, rather than vice versa. He sounded drunk and blubbered something about Ellen finding out about him and I. I couldn't really understand him but one thing I did catch in my own drunkenness was him say, "She left me."

The words I had been dying to hear were finally spoken and for some reason it didn't affect me in the way that I had imagined so many times before. I didn't react in the way I had rehearsed in my head, and that is because of his reaction. He sobbed. He sobbed uncontrollably. He proceeded to tell me how much he loved her and how awful he felt for screwing it up so badly. He told me he only spent time with me because he was "dreadfully confused" about his feelings for her and the time we had with each other re-affirmed his love for her.

Why didn't I just spare us both the time and shove the daggar into my heart myself? Did he NOT know of my feelings for him? Was he seriously THAT stupid? I contemplated hanging up when he asked if I would come over. Then I knew he was definitely THAT stupid. The line was filled with the sound of our breathing as I thought about what to say next. How could he love Ellen so much and be so upset about her leaving if he wants me to come over? Shouldn't he be trying to win her back? I did indeed miss him. I agreed to visit him.

When I arrived I held him. We talked, we drank, and drank, and drank some more. I must have comforted him marvelously because before I knew it we were laughing again. Laughing like old friends, just like we used to; and for a split second or two I felt happy, genuinely. We weren't talking about him and Ellen any longer. We were talking about each other, about our lives, our drinking, our sobriety, and then I told him the unthinkable, I told him how much I love him. I told Nate about what he has meant to me since the day we met and how jealous I was of his relationship to Ellen. He cried again, only this time he wasn't crying because he wanted Ellen back, he was crying because he never knew how much I truly cared for him. He felt absolutely awful for being so nieve and talking so much about Ellen. He cried for the way he had treated me and he would not stop apologizing. This went on until I simply could not keep my eyes open any longer. He kissed me on my forehead and tucked me into his couch. I passed out that night drunk as a skunk, but feeling much better about, well, everything.

As I sat there listening to Nate fill in the blank parts of the night, I knew this was it. It was an overwhelming epiphany and I almost couldn't even contain myself while he spoke.

Nate and I didn't end up together. In fact, him and Ellen didn't either. Unfortunately, he couldn't stay sober. Sadly, drinking is a part of Nate's life that will never be put aside.
It's better that we didn't get together. He would have dragged me further into my alcoholism and I might not have been able to stop.

Nate was my silent savior though, in more ways than one and for those reasons I will be forever grateful. When I left his house that morning, I felt relieved. I told him everything I always wanted to, but never could. I knew exactly how he felt and I was okay with the end result because there wasn't any regret lingering in the shadows anymore. It was much more uplifting than I could have ever imagined.

I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I found another high paying, high demand, totally loveable job, and I am in bewilderment to this day at how fantastically I turned my life around after one simple event. After having a relationship with one simple man. I don't question it anymore though. It was what it was and Nate saved my life. Presently, all of my nights out are unforgettable and they are that way because I enjoy remembering fun, sober times more than I ever did before. I have better luck than I let myself believe for many years.
I'm content with putting the past behind me and at last I am happy, genuinely.