Simple Stuff Involving ME

Metamorphosis: A Villanelle

2009-01-13T23:43:00.002-05:00

Butterfly, use your wings to soar.
Your colors will not fade.
There’s plenty to explore.

Through this world you’ve slithered and bore,
The leaves and trees your only shade.
Butterfly, use your wings to soar.

Do not rest upon this earthly floor,
Those wings, for flying, were they made.
There’s plenty to explore.

Try it once and you’ll cry MORE!
The breeze shall be your aide.
Butterfly, use your wings to soar.

This world is not myth or merely folklore,
It is your stage on which to be played.
There’s plenty to explore.

Count up from one until four,
Glide, and your beauty will be displayed.
Butterfly, use your wings to soar,
There’s plenty to explore.

Picture

2009-01-13T23:41:00.001-05:00

Emerald eyes
Magic, like the City.
He spoke, she melted
The world froze in place.
Those words, his words
Linger in days passed.
Peace in sleep and only there
Her tight lips reverse.
In waking, nothing’s changed-
His picture stays the same
While the heart in him,
Like the Wizard never was.

Passer By

2009-01-13T23:39:00.000-05:00

Just because we laid together
Once. Doesn’t mean we’ll stay together
Forever. You are a wrinkle in a chapter
Of a book I couldn’t wait to close.
The story, about a girl—
Discovering. There’s more to this life.
She took too long, I won’t.
Just because we laid together, once.

A Kick From Deep Within

2009-01-13T23:35:00.000-05:00

Speeding through life- SMASH! Cantaloupe on concrete- constant planning
For—tomorrow’s another day.
What about today?
Do you know who I am? Do you even know yourself?
Have faith in the reasons I’ve come to be—
Inside you I want to flourish, maybe then you’ll see
I am you and I am he and this can be
The joy you’ve all been searching for to lock inside your memory.
Look into a mirror; see into your eyes,
I’m growing right there, like a dream you inspired to live.
Breathe in the seconds that bring life and you’ll see—
Me, your reasons for everything.

FYI

2007-11-26T21:42:00.001-05:00

If you would like to tickle your fancy and read my previous blog....go right ahead and maybe even giggle a little.

If you would like to write a comment about my previous blog or maybe even write your own rebuttal blog.....go for it dude.

BUT I need you all to know this teeny piece of info before you dabble, as I am getting the impression some of my readers may think my list of 10 may be in some way reflective of my fabulous boyfriend. My list stemmed from Esquire magazine. Every issue they have a list of 10 from a famous female actress, musician, artist, etc and they are often pretty dang funny. I wanted to make my own list and provide perhaps even just a smile on the faces of those who dare to care.

This is my prologue....thank you for your time.

10 Things A Man Should Know.....With Love From: A Woman

2007-11-25T22:40:00.000-05:00

10. Truly a simple concept, but for one reason or another, too hard to grasp.....JUST PUT THE DAMN TOILET SEAT DOWN!!! Oh....and maybe try to keep the pee IN the toilet rather than perhaps on the seat itself or dripping down the side only to stain the pretty rug that lies on the tile. It's all about direction fellas.....think about it.

9. You wanna play videogames well into your 30s and beyond??? Go right ahead. You should know though.....the louder and more obnoxious you become while playing these mindless time occupiers, the less inclined we'll be to love on you in the bedroom. You've been told this since grade school.....indoor voices gentlemen.

8. Total turn on when you're more than willing to run to the store for tampons and/or Vagisil. Oh stop getting grossed out already....you're probably the reason for that itch in the first place! Buck up you Sally.

7. Women poop too.

6. We like to know you're thinking about us throughout the day. However, saying "Oh hunni, I thought about you today when I saw this really large chested chick with great cleavage," somehow isn't quite what we meant. Shocker I know. You're intelligent enough so think of something else k?

5. Does it add emphasis when you say the "F" word 12 times in a single sentence statement?? NOPE! You don't need to talk to us like we're your grandmother...BUT....you don't need to talk to us like we're one of your buddies either.

4. Let that guy at the end of the bar that's been staring all night long buy us a drink. It's less money you have to spend, right?

3. You're not gonna die because you sat through the Notebook! GOD!

2. Call when you say you're going to....plain and simple to us.....but apparently extremely difficult to men so work on that one for us.

1. This number one is of the utmost importance. It is not a pet peev. It is not the single desire of a gal like myself (seeings how I am the one writing this list). It is a Cardinal Rule that ALL man should adbide by when trying to maintain civility on earth with women.....drum roll please........

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

Sound familiar? Perhaps it was something you're mother used to say? Or maybe your homeroom teacher in the 8th grade? You're homeroom teacher in the 8th grade was a woman, correct? Chances are....yes, that is correct. Anyway, you've been hearing it all your life and the statement itself is redundant, I know, but there is a reason you've been hearing it your whole life, darling. It's a damn Cardinal Rule! For some reason men all over the world test it's limits....maybe even try to break it or change it a little. Well news flash guys, it CANNOT be changed or tweeked, let alone broken. Since you've been hearing it your whole lives I won't go into it's numerous meanings, but I will say this much and leave you at that......rules are always meant to be broken and I'll be the first to admit that......but this one.....this Cardinal Rule.....has no loopholes, gentlemen, and it's not a hard one to accept. Try it sometime if you haven't already and I promise you this.....you'll praise the day I guarantee it....oh, and another plus.....if you stick to it, you'll never hear it from the mouth of another woman in your life EVER AGAIN!

Good Luck, Boys and God Bless :-)

"I love you" for the first time

2007-11-25T22:28:00.000-05:00

I was inspired to dance today
To a soundless melody
Wild, untamed
But with a graceful sway.

I flew like a bird.
Please do not think me absurd!
I know if this sound were to tickle your ear
you, too, would move with no fear.

I was inspired to listen
And to let the notes swim through
my body, my blood
Like nourishment so true.

I was inspired to smile
And to allow sheer joy
Entrance for awhile.

Moments like these do not last
I'm smart enough to say
But never having them at all,
Would be far worse
Than how quickly these moments fade away.

A vent on being "tiny"

2007-08-28T22:01:00.000-04:00

I'm not an overweight girl. In fact, I'm quite average and that's the thing.

Now, reading this, one might think I'm about to babble on and on about all of my bodily imperfections and, if by chance I was correct in that assumption, I wouldn't blame one for thinking such things. However, one would be wrong to every possible degree if they thought that's what this was about. So now, I'm asking you to simply read unobjectively, keep an open mind and maybe.....just maybe.....enjoy yourself a little......

I'll begin with what brought these feelings of wonder, about:

Today at school I was walking from my car to class. It's the end of August in South Carolina and to be plain, it's damn hot. Sweating is a given no matter what you do and down here, it's probably more normal to be sweating than to not be. Anyway, in my trudge from car to class I noticed people. That's what I do, I'm a people watcher I guess. In my mind, I comment on perhaps something they are wearing, how they've chosen to style their hair, the purse one gal could have on her shoulder or the extremely large butt the man in front of me is sporting. To be particular and to get back to my point, I noticed a girl today. She wasn't wearing anything unique or out of the ordinary. As a matter of fact, she looked pretty dull and maybe that's what made me look her way. It was more likely the fact that I passed her going in the opposite direction and being the avid people watcher that I am I pretty much notice any and all, dull or unique. This girl was petite and the precise moment I registered that fact is when I said to myself......"I wonder what it's like to be that tiny."

My belly bulges slightly, it has my entire life....maybe more than slightly but I'm trying not to be self-degredating remember?? Anyway, my thighs up towards my butt are bigger than I'd prefer without a doubt and speaking of my butt.....hell, I'm not even gonna go there. This tiny girl couldn't have weighed more than 100lbs and I felt annoyed. It's certainly not her fault my thighs do a little jig whenever I run.....or is it??? After seeing her this afternoon I began to notice every single tiny girl in school it seemed and it only left me feeling pitiful. It's honestly pathetic how much I stress about the size of my body, but it's close to an uncontrollable obsession that I rarely do anything about....except maybe skip a meal here or there (don't give me that eating disorder bologna either....I enjoy food and don't enjoy barfing....so don't judge me damnit!) I often chose to blame it all on myself, but why the hell can't I blame the tiny girls? The girls with perfect bodies?? They probably never get blamed for anything and it's high time they did because they're leaving gals like me to ask that one lingering, haunting question..... "What on earth does it feel like to be that tiny?"

To not have a slight bulge of the belly that's especially prominent when I sit down would simply be a dream come true. I know what one might be saying now....."EXCERCISE!" The only desirable answer I have to that is...."NO!" I bet the tiny girls don't ever do cardio. I bet they eat McDonalds and cake, too. It would sound cliche to say it isn't fair but, seriously.....IT'S NOT!! If I could step inside a tiny girl's head and listen to her inner monologues I bet she's never wondering what it's like to be that "average."

I've run off into a bit of a rant here and for that I apologize because that wasn't my intention, I just got carried away. It's easy to feel misguided now and so I want to set the record straight....for the most part, I'm content with my shapely curves. There's always going to be days when thinner appears more beautiful and the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. Now's the time I should say something about inner beauty is the true beauty and get all sorts of philosophical but I'm going to spare you from that as well.

It's just that (and honestly I can't help it)......sometimes and only sometimes ...... I just wonder what it's like to be that tiny.

Milk jugs n' rainbows

2007-05-09T20:04:00.000-04:00

The sun peeked through the rain this morning. I was driving at the time but I looked for a rainbow anyway; there wasn't one. Too bad I guess.

I thought of something this morning when I was driving that I haven't thought about in, well, I guess you could say years. I feel old when I make a statement like that....."I haven't thought about that in years." I digress......Anyway, I'm not totally sure what triggered the nostalgia at such a wee time in the AM but I guess that's sort of irrelevant....I was reminded of a time when I was pretty young, I'm not totally sure what age (maybe 3...could be 4) My grandparents had a swimming pool and we (a family of 5) for some reason did not. I refused, and when I say refused I mean threw temper tantrums, if I didn't have my milk jugs. Now, let me explain my milk jugs for you.....actually they don't require that much explanation.....they were empty, plastic 1 gallon milk jugs that I used to hold on to as I swam to keep me afloat. You could perhaps call them ghetto swimmies. Go ahead, call me ghetto but those jugs worked and I'd used em' today if I ever left the shallow end.

I was pretty dependant on those jugs every summer for several years. My Grandpa kept them in his shed in the backyard so I always knew where to run as soon as my bathing suit was strapped on. I was like superhuman holding on to those milk jugs. I could swim, splash and go under water like all the big kids. Without them, I was like a bath without bubbles, Christmas without Santa, mac n' cheese without bits of hot dog cut up in it, or worse....Barbie without Ken.

One hot, sunny summer afternoon, I decided to go without the jugs. I said to my Grandpa...."not today." I slowly inched closer and closer to that circular swimming pool, climbed the ladder, dipped my toes in and begged my big brothers not to leave my side!!! They started to get bored with me because I think I might've sat there close to all afternoon. I had goosebumps crawling up and down my teeny legs (I so wish they were still teeny....once again tho, I digress) Anyway, finally I just did it......I jumped in....and when I say jumped, well, I mean it....I jumped.......with the milk jugs sitting like a trusting friend inside the locked up shed...I jumped in to that pool with nothing but my incessant ability to doggie paddle keeping me afloat. I was half crying, half laughing and half thought I was already dead.....sunk to the bottom quicker than a rock. I realized though that I was not dead.....my head was afloat and there were cheers coming from the crowd around me (well gimme a break....family counts as a crowd right??)

My dad picked me up and raised me high above his head to perform that ever-so-famous airplane move he did so well and I simply laughed......

that was the day I skipped the milk jugs.

So later on this afternoon, long after my reminiscent morning, the sun peeked through the rain again.....and finally... there was a rainbow.

sweet/not so sweet time on my side

2007-05-07T12:40:00.000-04:00

Oohhh to have the time to sit down and write again.

That's actually a lame excuse, Beth.....but nice try.

Just because I've been taking classes 2 days a week and working every day doesn't mean for one second I haven't had the time. I've been busy, sure....but never too busy.

So it's official, I've been a writing lazy bum. I've allowed myself to get caught up in other things and have let it slip from my mind how much I actually enjoy doing this whole writing thing. How good I am at it is neither here nor there.....I just like it and have not been nurturing it properly.

Now that I am sitting in front of my computer with the "time" and energy to devote to this one task, I am at loss for words which isn't typical for me....I have so-called "words" for every/anything....but now when it's completely necessary to have "words" they've escaped me.

HOW RUDE!!

All I wanna do is talk.....or write.....but noooooo that's just too much to ask for. Something interesting to write about is too much to ask for. Screw that! I'm not even asking....I'm demanding that I have something, hell, anything to write about....but the words have vanished. Disappeared into thin air. Ever to reappear???? I DON'T KNOW!! YOU TELL ME!!!

I could talk about growing my hair out if you'd like. I cut it short last year.....yep, took off like 8 inches and ever since I decided to grow it out it's taking forever to get back to a good length.....OH my goodness am I serious???? Am I seriously writing about how long it's taking my hair to grow out?!?!? I'm gonna end up losing all my faithful readers (all 3 of them) to sheer boredom......my readers will be sitting at their computers with the "time" to read and maybe even comment on this long over-due newest blog of mine only to place their chins in their hand, fight to keep their eyes open for a solid minute and then BOOM hit their heads on their desks becuz I'm BORING THEM TO SLEEP!!!!!

Am I having trouble because it's easier for me to write when something huge is happening to me like a break-up, a move to another state, a family member's death, etc??? I don't even really know why I keep asking all these questions to noone in particular because no one else can answer them but me, so why bother??? Maybe this is just a huge case of writer's block and all I need to do is step away from my computer for a few minutes....maybe an hour....come back to it refreshed and ready....right??? There I go with the unanswerable questions again.

I don't know. Maybe this is it my loving, faithful readers. Maybe my writing ship has sailed and I'll never find anything interesting to write about again. How sad of a thought is that??? Deep down I know that can't possibly be true....or maybe it can.

One thing that is certain at this point......I'm boring myself right now.

"On a clear day, I can see....see for a long way...."

2007-02-12T23:22:00.000-05:00

When someone is born into the world as, of course an infant; that's birth.....but when someone becomes someone new and their possibilities become endless, their maturation is so extraordinay that you can't even remember who they used to be; that's called re-birth.....and I'm going to tell you the story of my own re-birth....I will be brief so as not to bore, but concise so as to fully capture its magnitude......it will be 2 years in April when my life began, and I didn't realize it, until this very moment.

It wasn't because of someone else that I changed. It was actually because I left someone else behind that caused my life to finally spark....with life, if it even makes sense to write such a statement. Anyway, I digress, the choice I made was past due really and I'm not going to re-hash it for you all now, but that's the exact time it happened. I simply woke up. I moved 800 miles away. I was accepted into school to earn my degree in english. I busted my ass waiting on both appreciative and overly appreciative golfers. Stashed away a nice nest egg for myself and was even able to loan money to a few people whom I love/adore, with no worries about my own welfare. It was fantastic. I was single. It was new for me and I savored every second of it!

I turned 24 this last November and with the excitement of a birthday came this feeling of doom. DOOM. What a word....so gloomily descriptive....yet so accurately used in this particular case, because while 24 is by no means old.....to me it felt gloomy. All of the things previously mentioned became burdens all of the sudden. I began despising school work and found out I wasn't going to be graduating as quickly as I had originally anticipated. Working in the restaraunt was becoming tedious and, for lack of a better word, annoying. I was spending too much of my "nest egg" on items I definitely did not need.....and the worst part of it all was.....I was missing the one thing I left behind not so very long ago. There was nothing there to miss, but I sure as hell found a way to miss it. I guess you could say that my 24th birthday brought with it a sense of self-pity, a lack a self-esteem (seeings how I have not had a boyfriend in almost 2 years now), and most of all a lack in overall self-worth. I was feeling so low about myself I didn't even feel like turning to God anymore (and He's the One who listens the best believe it or not)

I had dreams when I was 21 of where I would be by the time I was 24 or 25 and those dreams had your basic.....husband/children/career all in that order. I was closer at 21 to the husband and children than I am now, at 24 and, well....call it petty....but it scared me to death, because then I started thinking.....will I even be blessed enough to bring children into this world?? Is any man EVER going to love me like I was loved in the past?? And then of course thoughts like those turn into thoughts like.....that was NOT love! WAKE UP BETH!!!

How does God....or the world.....or anyone decide who falls in love with who.....and who gets to have the fabulous families and who doesn't??? Why can't everyone have those blessings?? Why can't those miracles be automatic??

Well......I've just recently come to my "mature" conclusion.....you remember right?? The one I was writing about previously??? And it began with my new job as a radio personality and while I've only been at it now for a week, I've discovered something about myself with it that I never knew existed and that is.... I was meant for something here.......and it isn't actually all about the husband I thought I'd have by this time or the child I thought I'd have given birth to by this time.....or the wonderful career I was destined for by 24. It's about re-birth.....the re-birth of me.

I've been single now for the longest I've ever been in probably the past 10-12 years of my life.....and for the very first time in those 10-12 years I've finally figured out what it takes to find fulfillment and while it may get lonely sometimes.....I know myself better now than I ever have. I'm doing what I set out for when I moved 2 years ago......at last! I've learned it's important to stop putting time constraints on my life....I need this before I turn 28 and that before I turn 35....blahblahblah.

My grandfather passed away a short time ago. A sad occasion to say the least. But as I looked through the pictures of his life, I realized it was one filled.....just "filled." If anything, if I'm blessed enough to live as long as my gramps did.....I have faith enough in myself that my life will become just as "filled" which gives me more than enough to look forward to and less to cry about at night.

"For Sale" on Maylong Dr

2006-05-17T01:21:00.000-04:00

"Home is where the heart is."

That couldn't be a more accurate statement.

Although I have moved away from Rochester and more importantly Maylong Drive, my heart ever since the day I left on January 3rd, 2004 at like 6 in the morning has faithfully still been there. That place I ever so affectionately refer to as home. That place where I was brought home from the hospital......the first and last baby girl to be born to the family. I took my first steps in that house. I grew up in that house. I met my best friend across the street, on Maylong.

I swung on the swing-set in the backyard......climbed the huge tree (be4 my dad had it cut down because if lightning hit that sucker it would have demolished our house).....played hid-and-go-seek with all the kids in the neighborhood.....played kickball in the cul-de-sac (circle to the laymen).....got stung by bees....swam in the pool countless summers and attempted to learn how to dive (my dad was a good diving teacher I swear I'm just more of a belly flop type gal I guess).....football in the snow in the front yard (I was more like a tackling dummy rather than an actual player)....."King on the Mountain" on the snow mounds at the end of our driveway.....shoveling that darn driveway (I managed to get out of shoveling a lot with my cute cunning ways tho :)......Decorating the house at Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day, St. Patty's Day.....who am I kidding my mom decorates for Spring....yep folks who knew Spring was worthy of decorations (Fall too!).....I could go on and on about what went down in that house growing up but ultimately what makes that house and all the memories inside it so special are the fact that no one else knows about them but my family and I.

The "For Sale" sign went up about a month ago around Easter time. My aunt sent me a picture of it via our cell phones. I'll admit a tear rolled down my cheek.

How will anyone possibly appreciate that house as much as I have? As much as my family has?? The whole neighborhood for that matter. I'll be heading home in July for a week and that's when I'll be saying my good-byes to 77 Maylong. I know people and their families move all the time and it's just a natural part of life.....but I've never done it before. I mean yes of course I moved to SC but that house.....that home of mine was always there. Yes of course I'll have a brand new house to come home to at Christmas time and the people inside will still be there and will still be the same......but.......somehow it just won't ever be the same.

Oh Beth.....silly Beth.....grow up....move on....make new memories....is anyone saying that right now reading this?? Life is all about closing chapters once they've been read and starting new ones....eventually finishing the book and sparking interest in another. I know......I do. But who said that was easy?

Oh Beth....silly Beth....it's just a house.....you'll have a brand new one built in time for you to come home to in December.....is anyone saying that right now reading this?? You're right......it is just a house because of course it's the people and events that took place inside that house that made it a home......you are right. But who said it was easy to say good-bye to the place that made it all possible?

Maybe I'll do something to the house in July to make it much less attractive to potential buyers.....you know like when the Brady kids created this elaborate scheme to make the house seem haunted so their parents wouldn't sell on an episode of the Brady Bunch......don't say that sounds immature either.....guaranteed my two older brothers would so be in on this scheme with me if I thought of a good enough one!

Oh well.....I'm just wishful thinking.....gosh darn life gettin' in the way of everything.

The stars.....

2006-05-01T23:10:00.000-04:00

So every night for as long as I can remember I've taken a few moments, directed my gaze to the sky, and fixed my stare on one single star....doesn't matter which one...and then, I wish on it. Having typed that so that I can actually read the words out loud makes me sound sort of like a 4th grade daydreamer of a gal....but I'm choosing not dwell on that fact and I'm going to move on.......Anyway, when I perform this nightly ritual it's almost always the same wish, with the exception of a few nights when I was either really angry at someone/thing or feeling really low about someone/thing. Ultimately though it's always the same. Now, that doesn't mean that ever since I can remember I've been wishing for something that just isn't coming true and I keep hoping that one of these nights and one of these stars will suddenly be my "lucky one," that just means that I want this wish every day and for the rest of my life so I'm not going to stop asking the stars to help me attain it.

I sound really childish now don't I?? I mean most "normal" people ( what is normal anyway?) say prayers when in need or to say thanks and to be honest I do that too. But for me, wishing on the stars gives me a sense of remaining "young at heart" which, in my opinion is the best cure for any emotional ailment.

Looking up at a clear night sky, even if it's just for a few seconds, allows me to take some time off from a chaotic day and just breathe. I say a few words (star light star bright yadayadayada....I know you've all done it), pause, dream for a second, and poof my wish has been granted.

What do I wish for you ask that could be granted so quickly?? I'll tell you what....and no I don't believe that my wish won't come true if I share it out loud....because to be truthful, my wish isn't something the stars, God, the sky, the night, or anyone else in this world can grant me.....all the stars are doing is sparkling billions of miles away.....they are something beautiful for me to look at while I pause, breathe, and dream for a few seconds and to me, that is all they need to be.

I wish for first....inner peace of mind even if it only lasts a minute.....which while I stand still staring at the night, I am granted. And second, I wish for happiness of any sort....even if that too only lasts for a minute....which while I stand there, breathing, pausing, dreaming....I am also granted. Any other happinesses I manage to attain are there because I allowed them to be.

Chaos, stress, sadness, anger, frustration are all relative and disappear when I say those words......

"star light, star bright......."

Random thoughts of a shallow mind bored stiff

2006-03-27T18:27:00.000-05:00

Every girl in this classroom is sitting with her legs crossed right now. That's kinda funny.

My legs are crossed.

How come the guy next to me who wears the same darn t-shirt every day doesn't have his legs crossed?? If I asked him I bet he'd say it's cuz he has a penis and balls and they'd get in the way if he sat with his legs crossed.

That must suck, to have to sit accomodating a penis and a set of balls. Thank God for being able to sit comfortably with my legs crossed.

I really wish I hadn't bit all my nails off the other day. Now, my fingers look short and stumpy. My hands look like a little girl's hands when my fingernails are bitten. I think I might paint them later today. I'll paint them after I eat.

Ohhh food sounds wonderful right now. What could I go for?? Hmmm a yummy cheeseburger?? Ehh no I ate too much crap this weekend to have a cheeseburger today. Maybe I'll go grocery shopping for some fruit or something. I could go to a banana, or maybe an apple. How come apple skin always gets so caught in my teeth? I wonder if apple skins get caught in other people's teeth. I wonder if the kid next to me with the recycled t-shirt eats apples. An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

Ok definitely doing my nails later, they look really gross today.

Oh man I have a paper due this week and a history test on Wednesday. I have to make an appointment with my advisor to register for classes next semester. I have to close at work tomorrow night. Why does my head hurt right now?? Did I bump it on something?? It really hurts. Yep, I bumped it all right. I bumped it getting into someone's car this weekend.....come to think of it I was sober when I did it too. What a friggin clutz I am.

I tripped on a plastic bag this weekend too. Almost sprained my damn ankle. Note to self, don't attempt to kick plastic bags if you have been drinking since 10am.

My hair is bugging me today, I think I need to trim my bangs cuz they keep getting stuck on my lipgloss. Stinkin' sticky lipgloss. Tastes good though.

I wish I could pay attention to this professor right now. Politics is super boring and if I attempted paying attention then I'd more than likely start to doze off; kind of like this chick in front of me who keeps looking like she's going to either bang her head on the desk or fall right out of her chair. I keep watching her. She looks funny. She can't stay awake right now for nothin. Hahaha she's looks funny.

seriously doing my nails tonight.....

Toothbrush

2006-03-20T22:37:00.000-05:00

Just a little something I wrote a reallllyyy long time ago.....hope ya like :)

Your toothbrush is all that's left now.

Everything else has been taken down, packed away, thrown away, even sold......everything except your toothbrush.

At first it was your pictures that were the hardest. Pictures of us smiling and laughing together. Together. Each one has it's own special story that when I'd look at them, or even just catch a slight glance of them, I would automatically be taken back to one time or another. A time when we were happy and more importantly together. There was this one particular picture where your eyes looked like an emerald glistening in the sun. They looked magical and full of life. I loved your eyes.

If only pictures could freeze time as they froze quick moments where we all posed smiling.....that would really be somethin else. There wouldn't be any need for those smiles to leave our faces.....

So I thought your pictures would be the hardest to get rid of but turns out they weren't. I really enjoyed snuggling up in your huge sweatshirts that were literally 3 times too big for me. They made me "snug as a bug in a rug," right? Isn't that how you put it?? I packed those away in a big brown box labelled "salvation army." Your sweatshirts weren't the only articles of clothing to get packed away, it seems as though I had a whole closet full of your clothes. Well I did....not anymore though.

You must have mixed I dont know how many cds for me throughout the years. I loved every song, but listening to them only made me sad, so I sold them. Not for much....hell I would've given them away but my boss insisted she pay for them because she wanted to make them a gift for her boyfriend. It made me feel better to think that someone else might get a bit more "joy" out of them than I ever could again.

I threw away your record player. You loved that record player. I remember the day you brought it home brand new. We didn't have a single place to put it in our tiny apartment so you put it in the corner of our living room just sitting on the carpet. From that day on you tripped over it almost every single time you went up the stairs but you were dead set on leaving it in that corner because that's "where it looked the best PERIOD!" The day I realized you weren't coming back, I tripped over that record player. It was then I decided it needed to go. The garbagemen picked it up the next morning after it sat out in the rain all night long.

Nothing that is you is left here now, except your toothbrush. It still sits in the pink plastic toothbrush holder in my upstairs bathroom. You complained pink was too girly for that bathroom so I agreed to paint it a neutral greenish color as long as I could keep that pink holder.

If I get rid of your toothbrush now then I will be absolutely forced to admit the already apparent fact that you're really and truly never coming back. If I keep your toothbrush....there's a tiny glimmer of hope that one day you will use it again. Without that toothbrush sitting in my pink plastic holder, I'd get buried in my fears of never seeing you again even though the sane parts of me know I never will. Your toothbrush doesn't hold a specific memory of you that will cause me to drift into a reminiscent state, therefor I see no harm in holding on to it.

Maybe someday I'll toss it away, but until then.....your toothbrush will be all that's left now.

Tribute to Valentine's Day

2006-02-13T15:25:00.000-05:00

A gal in my position; young, single (single being the operative word here) might look at Valentine's day in a number of ways:

1st.....which I like to call the "angry woman way" goes like this ....screw the day, screw guys, screw the day and screw guys! Or the complete opposite which I like to call the "sad way"....whoa is me, I'm single, I don't have a boyfriend for this "sacred" day, all my girlfriends are going out with their boyfriends and I'm going to be sitting on my ass all night eating the chocolates my roomie got from her boyfriend..... I'M PATHETIC!

2nd.....which I call the "independant woman way" sounds like this....it's just another day. It's just a stupid holiday the greeting card companies made up so that you spend all your hard-earned money to show someone you love them, when in reality, the person you love shouldn't need chocolates and a card to know you love them, right? Of course I'm right

Lastly the 3rd and final way....which I lovingly refer to as "MY WAY" goes a little something like this.... so it happens to be V-day and I happen to be single....big deal! Sure, being single this day of the year may suck for some people but for me I look at it as just that, a single day out of the year that will be over with in 24 hours....just like every other day. I don't need to spend my hard-earned money on anyone, but myself if I so choose. See if I decide to mope and be sad I won't be getting anything accomplished. I could take the day to enjoy my own company for a change.

I've spent the last 6 or 7 Valentine's days with an actual valentine so this year will be a first for me. Am I lonely?? Maybe sometimes. Does it suck not having someone to share the day with? No, because Valentine's Day won't be any different than the day before and the day after and the weeks to come. I was single yesterday and I was ok, same goes for tomorrow and the next day. Besides, I've noticed since I began living the single lifestyle that I need to take some time to get to know myself better anyway before I can let someone else get to know me.

So in conclusion, if you happen to be a person who has a significant other come February 14th, good for you and I hope you two enjoy yourselves even more than you would on February 13th or 15th, if that's even possible. As for the rest of you who happen to be single.....I have no other advice to give except for this....EN-FRIGGIN-JOY IT gosh darnit! There are worse things in life than not having a stinking boyfriend/girlfriend trust me.

I know I know you wish you were as wise as I :):):)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY PEOPLE!!!

This guy I met...

2006-02-09T00:43:00.000-05:00

It's mind blowing really....

He's just so damn good to me sometimes I have an extremely hard time putting it into words. I just feel this sense shattering, well...mind blowing, electricity through my vains every time I think of him.

Hmm, and to think, I was having a hard time putting my thoughts into words.

Anyway, our relationship is just like one of those sappy chick flicks I found myself watching and crying over every single night while drowing in a pint of one of the 31 flavors, before we met.

And our meeting, ohhh our meeting was sereal....I'm telling ya-straight out of a movie! It was based on pure destiny, it pays to be in the right place at the right time. At least that's how we refer to it as. I was on my way to school in a flustered rush as usual and that morning I had oveslept, as usual, so I didn't even bother to put on anything special or even do my hair (which definitely NEEDS to be done if I want to look human) I couldn't find a parking spot and was already 10 minutes late for class. To make a long story short, I finally park, run to my class, only to find out that my "lovely" professor locks her door 10 minutes after class begins. I whisper a few choice words under my breath, take a seat, breathe, turn to my right, and there he was, sitting on the bench next to mine. We call this destiny because had I not overslept exceptionally well that morning, I would've made it to class and more than likely fallen asleep again while my professor rambled on about why we make the choices we make....yadda yadda yadda....

Ok so, we exchanged glances, then names, small talk, and the next thing I know he's inviting me to a party. I attend with some girlfriends, we hit if off and that was a wonderful, fantastic, wouldn't trade it for anything in the world--whole year ago.

Since then we have made so many unforgettable memories together. I have never met a guy like him before. I know that sounds so predictable I'm sure all girls say that about their boyfriends who they love to pieces. But, with my guy it's totally true! I'm not the only person who thinks these things about him either. His character is unique and dynamic. He can make a room full of people mourning over the death of a loved one burst into the kind of laughter that will make someone pee their pants. And his humor in that particular situation, or in any really, is never tacky or childish, it's genuine and life-like, it's real....it will make you pee your pants.

He always knows what to say and he says these things at the precise moment they're called for. It's his gift I think. I'm never mad at him for too long before he's pointing out something great about me. Something great about me to him that most of the time I don't really believe anyone else can see. Hell, I don't even ever see it....but he does. He notices things. He's observant and gives credit and thanks for my little quirks. He's tells me that without my little quirks I just wouldn't quite be me....I'd be me...just not quite me. Ya follow?

Anyway, he listens, he remembers, he cares, he tries and fails but also tries and succeeds.

God, is it possible to feel so intensely for him so soon? Yes, it's been a year, but I know people who say they're still not ready and they still just don't know after many many years together. Who am I kidding? Of course it's possible, he's everything I always knew and never knew I wanted.

He acknowledges mistakes he's made, but never dwells on them just learns from them. He's so damn smart too. I complain about school and what to do with my future career-wise. His optimism about life and the future rubs off on me at times like those and my fear of the unknown turns into excitement. I swear he's like an angel....my blessing that I know I don't deserve.

Continuously, I find myself asking where he came from and why me? He then reminds me that he asks himself those same questions every single day.......

.....So I missed lecture today....couldn't seem to wake myself up from this really real dream I was having about this guy I met.....

Lying awake....

2006-01-16T13:41:00.000-05:00

You're lying to yourself if you say that you're happy with the way things are going. Thoughts of how you wish things could be swirl around in your head endlessly when you lie in bed, awake.....wide awake.

You dwell on little things you wish would change, but never do. So much precious time has been spent foolishly stewing over the past and the future.

All the mistakes you've made seem to come into the light when it's night. You push the covers off because you're hot, you pull them on because you're cold, you turn to the right, then the left, back to the right. All vain attempts to seek comfort. You hope that if you bury your face in your pillow all thoughts will disappear and sleep will console you. It's nights like these it seems, that not even sleep will bring remedy because once you finally do fall asleep.....you dream. Escaping from your mind is an impossible task that you've at last discovered, not even sleep will fix.

Try opening a window to let in some fresh nighttime air. Let the breeze cool the burning inside you that's just begging for you to break down and cry, or scream, or sleep.

You wish your ceiling held the answers you yourself can't seem to find don't you?

Oh how frustratingly tired you're going to be in the morning when your alarm clock shakes you from your dreams! But, you silently thank your alarm clock.....for shaking you from your dreams.

If you can't sleep why can't you just fitfully rest? Why do you have to actually feel the torment of a sleepless night? Of course you know deep down, things aren't as bad as they seem. It's something about the night, something about lying awake that makes every little problem in your life slap you in your face until your problem's hands are shaken and beat red with pain.

You wonder, are you crazy?? Or does everyone experience nights like these?? It's that moment that you begin to analyze who you are, why you feel this way....it's like a whole new set of issues now that arise....in the night....while you lie awake.

It's almost as if you are on a roller coaster, but this ride's no fun because while your stomach still turns as if riding those crazy hills.....you're body is still and your mind is what actually races. While most people pay to ride a roller coaster, you'd pay to get off this one.

Oh sleep seems foreign tonight, how unfair this world is!

Try simply shutting your eyes....the sun will rise..... hold fast to pleasant thoughts, like the fact that tomorrow will be different, a fresh start...it always is.

At last, you lie asleep.

Home's always gonna be home

2005-12-27T00:18:00.000-05:00

I noticed nothing has changed here at home; all the places and faces have remained untouched it seems to me. It's comforting and unsettling all at once.

It's comforting because I love knowing there's always going to be some place for me to escape to if need be, but it's unsettling because how much of an "escape" is it honestly? I came back here not just for the holidays, family, and friends, but for a break from my new life. I realized though that I didn't need that break as bad as I thought I did. Coming back to the Roc reinforced my decisions to move and go back to school. In other words, I'm glad I moved, I'm happy where I'm at. Essentially it's home that I need a break from--only... it's not a break at all.

I was ecstatic to see my family again and of course over-joyed to see my friends. I'm leaving with bittersweet feelings about how much home is exactly the same and I'm facing the reality that it's I whose different now. I had all these expectations about what it would be like to see everyone and go to the usual places. I got see people I didn't even think I would and am disappointed at not seeing people I had hoped I would. I'm disappointed for other reasons as well, some are too personal to share this openly, but I will say this much....I've always been a very gullible person, I believe there is good in everyone and I truly, with all my heart and soul, believed I knew--I mean REALLY knew-- the people I love, or used to love for that matter. Truth is, I don't know those people at all. I feel slighted and sort of non-existent to certain people who were far from non-existent to me for many, many years of my life.

I said bittersweet because that's what this time home has been. I've made tiny self discoveries which make me sad, but truly happy all at once--if that's even possible.

I said bittersweet because it's enlightening to find out who the true people in your life are, but heartbreaking to find out who isn't.

I said bittersweet because as much as I don't want to say good-bye all over again to my family and friends....I'm ready to.

When you move away from home for the first time all by yourself you discover traits about you you never knew existed. When you return home for an occasional visit, don't think things will be the way you left them because they won't. You're different now, you see things differently as well. I know that now, and I guess in knowing, there's really no need to feel all that disappointed.

As obvious as this sounds, when someone really loves someone else--whatever kind of love that may be--they make efforts to show their love and when it's true, it's not really an effort at all, it's more like a part of them....something they do with no thought behind it whatsoever....like breathing. In coming home I learned that and I'm grateful that I did. It's not so bad being different....I've grown....and I'm glad I learned that too.

Happy '06 everyone!

Attempting "moving on"

2005-10-06T10:02:00.000-04:00

I won't argue that when someone ends a long-term relationship the situation isn't easy for numerous reasons. For example, one could still be in love with the other making the separation from that person hard to bare, one could be incredibly angry with the other causing resentment and disappointment, or both could just be feeling like their time together is over so it's finally time to accept it and move on.

"Moving on" as cliche as this is, is much easier said than done. It's one of those phrases that could also carry numerous meanings from one person to the next. "Move on" from your pain, "move on" from regret and sorrow, "move on" from resentment and anger, most importantly; "move on" from loving the only person you've let inside for however long it may have been. It' s seemingly the most popular phrase during the break- up process, everyone knows it has to be done, there's no need to repeat it, but yet it's the hardest part.

It's the hardest part because even if you've left behind your feelings of "missing," "regretting," and "anger," those scars will remain and become more noticeable when you attempt to love again. Whatever went wrong in the past is going to cause fear and withdrawl in the future. No one wants what hurt them in the past to happen again, that's obvious; so they hold back their true feelings, quite possibly missing out on or shielding themselves from the potential healings powers of letting someone else in. Dwelling on pain will only cause more pain in the long run. Ultimately what you're attempting to protect yourself from, is what would/could save you and your jaded views of love.

Easier said than done though right? I mean you could talk yourself in to almost any scenario. You could sit and tell yourself to move on and you may actually even give "moving on" a fair shot, but the fears of getting hurt all over again haunt you and eventually take over, leaving you alone.....all over again. It's a viscious cycle that only you can break.

Pinpoint what went wrong in the relationship that's left you so scarred. What did you do that caused the relationship to continue so bitterly as long as it did? Why did you let whatever it was that hurt you continuously do so over and over? I say you because despite the fact that someone else may have committed acts that caused you to feel lowly and rotten, you let it happen more than once, you didn't take good enough care of yourself. Please do not be mistaken this is not a punishment, this is not being written to make you feel worse, this is being written to show you that only you can heal yourself. You have more power inside you than you think, than you believe. Moving on only has to be as difficult as you make it.

Focus on today and changing the pain you feel from the past into a positive stepping stone for the future. It is possible to take knowledge with you into tomorrow, rather than nasty scars. Most scars heal anyway, so there's no need to baby them, even the most ugly scars seem less noticeable with time.

Holding on to fear means holding on to pain, but if you hold on to lessons learned and treat them as just that, you're holding on to the key which unlocks all the wonderful things about yourself that are just dying to be shared with others that love you, that truly love you. Sometime in the future the occasion will arise to give that preverbial key to someone else and when they've proven themself worthy--it's ok to give it to them. You can actually let them get to know who you are without listening to the pesky voices from the past.

Keep in mind that "moving on" may never be as easy to perform as it is to say and that's ok because I know that I'll get there in due time.

putting library time to good use....

2005-09-01T10:46:00.000-04:00

My brother's away message on instant messenger right now is, and I quote; "Whatever happened to blogs?" That's a damn good question Sean, and I intend to answer it with as satisfying of an answer as I can possibly muster.

So ok, school started 2 and 1/2 weeks ago and I'm sitting in the campus library as I write for all of you. I have a 2 hour break on Tuesdays and Thursdays which I normally either read in my car, or who am I kidding sleep in my car for the duration. Today I decided to actually get some work done during my break. Anyway, work's done, I still got some time to kill and I want to update everyone.....

I haven't written mainly because I had a busy summer full of partying. This summer went by all too quickly that's for sure. Another reason I haven't gotten around to writing is because the computer at my house is jacked on drugs I think. I firmly believe that mine and my roomie's computer is either haunted or on drugs.....no lie! Pop-ups up the wah-zoo, slow as a snail, shutting down for no apparent reason, all the characteristics of a computer that's on it's last legs. Well whether it's a ghost or drugs it doesn't really matter, what matters is that I have not been able to express myself creatively basically all summer long and that's just ludacris.

School is going surprisingly well for me so far although, I'm still trying to adjust to all my 8:30 in the flippin morning classes. Honestly I didn't think waking up was going to be as difficult as it's become. But, during the summer I didn't see 8:30 unless that's when I was finally going to sleep! So I guess therein lies the problem to my adjusting process. My classes have been running smoothly so far as well. It's also been strange for me to adjust to getting homework done again. I graduated with my associates almost 2 years ago now and going to back to homework has been different for me. All in all I'm excited about this school year and the years ahead. No offense to NY but, I miss it less and less with each day (of course that DOES NOT IN ANY WAY mean I don't miss the people, I miss the people I love more and more each day WITHOUT a doubt) But, I've grown accustomed to life at the beach, as I'm sure most people would who have lived through northern winters all their lives.

A few incidents this summer have caused me to question why I am down here and why I don't just run back home like I did last December. But, I'm not running anywhere anymore. I've done enough of that in my lifetime and it's high time I quit it. Just because situations get a little tough doesn't mean I don't have the inner strength to survive them. I've learned that about myself recently and that makes me rather proud to be me. Anyway, it's always sad to see the summer go, but it's ok because although the winter gets cold.....it certainly won't snow......

Until next time folks (which will hopefully be very soon) hold tight :)

Why?

2005-07-18T21:22:00.000-04:00

I wish I had an answer to the ever-burning question inside me that arises every single time I do something completely irrational and careless.

"Why on earth did I do that?"

My answer is always I don't know, when in reality I know exactly why......because I'm careless, because I'm irrational.

I am extremely blessed in life, have been so far at least. I have a happy family filled with people who love me unconditionally and a hand full of friends who love me the same way. From what I know I am healthy and have a roof over my head. I'm not hungry and have never been deprived of things that I want or need. It is those blessings and so much more that make my life one I should be content with. However, I am selfish, bratty, insensitive. I take my blessings for granted and assume they will always be there for me. I assume God will always provide me no matter how awful I screw up.

So, recently I was given a chance to have love in my life again, for the first time in several months. I'm talking about the kind of love that seems as though it's only going to happen once so you better grab hold of it and never let go. The kind of love that I didn't think I deserved. The kind of love that's just rare in all aspects. Ya'll want to know what I did with it? I ran from it, but not before I ran completely over it. I underestimated my "readiness," if you will, and did not think things through as thoroughly as I should have. The result, broken hearts, shattered hopes, and loss of friendship. That's the worst part, I lost the chance to love but I lost a friend--yep, that's definitely the worst part of all this drama.

So again I ask, why on earth did I do that?

In my opinion the phrase "I'm sorry," loses all meaning when it's following an action you know full well is going to hurt someone who means the world to you and vice versa. Why do we hurt people we love? Are we testing their love for us? Do we even really love them? I mean because how else do people cheat? Or abuse? Or lie?

If anything I've learned from every single mistake I've made in the past and I'm sure I will learn from the ones I make in the future. I've also learned that friends like mine are once in a lifetime friends, priceless ones. I've come to a conclusion tonight as I write my deep dark emotions here for all to read....there is a pit in my stomach that won't go away. There is a broken piece of my heart that's fallen into the hands of someone dear to me that I've driven away, which of course means I won't get that missing piece back, unless forgiveness is mine.

There are a bunch of different ways we are given guidance throughout our lives. The obvious of course from our parents, our teachers, God, etc. Now, what we chose to let soak inside us is well, entirely up to us isn't it?

Sippin' on lemonade

2005-06-28T14:17:00.000-04:00

Lemonade I have to say is the universal "the heat is on, gimme somethin' cold to sip," summer time drink. Aside from beer of course, lemonade is a drink that will sat-is-fy to the fullest.

Who's with me on this one??

In all seriousness though, when I'm laying on the beach (which I do a lot because don't be jealous- I live at one) my thirst is quenched from an ice cold lemonade better than by anything else. This fact dates back to my childhood when my best friend since diapars and I would set up our wagon on a hot summer day with all the ingredients to profit from this thirst quencher. I'm talking about a good old fashioned lemonade stand at 10 cents a pop. People didn't stop because they knew us, or because we were so darn cute, or even because it was such a bargain, they stopped for the simple truth- lemonade beats out all other competitive "cool yourself down," treats.

Keep in mind please this is not an opinion of mine.....it's cold......real cold.....fact.

Anyway, because of lemonade, I find myself falling asleep under the sun these days, right on the beach which is different for me because usually I can't sit still. But that in turn leads to a golden glow and a more relaxed feeling inside. I sort of get lost in the ocean, without actually getting wet. Honestly, nothing beats it. I'm in love with the beach and I don't think I'll ever go back. And I know I won't ever stop drinking lemonade.

Happy Summer Everyone!!

Familiar voices

2005-05-26T01:12:00.000-04:00

When it's late at night and I'm sitting around in this big house all alone, I get to thinking. I think about stuff I didn't think would be an issue inside my head ever again. These thoughts aren't ones of regret and they certainly aren't ones of depression or any sort of sadness. They are simply contemplative and there is no other explanation but that.

Things aren't the same down here as they were when I lived down here last year. A lot has changed. I long to hear a familiar voice from back home when I get to feeling like things just aren't ever going to go my way no matter what life altering decisions I force myself to make. So many people have expressed how insanely proud of me they are and I would hate for this time in Myrtle Beach to be unsuccessful. I would hate to blow it. I would hate to lead people on. It's only been a single week and I fear my outlook here is too dim for my own good, which is extremely discouraging. Of course because it's only been a week, I'm not being fair in any of these assesments. As soon as situations look glum I automatically get glum myself. On the outside I hide it pretty decently, but inside I'm genuinely disappointed that I couldn't just pick up where I left off down here. I couldn't just return to those happy-go-lucky feelings I had last year. Unfortunately, life isn't about picking up where you left off, it's about starting fresh with each decision you make. I've gone into this move with the wrong type of mindset and if I want to succeed in making myself happy, I need to revert my thought process.

It's always soothing to hear a voice from home though, no matter who it is. When I hear that voice I'm suddenly transported to where they are and for those moments that we speak, it's all the comfort I need to know I'm going to be ok. I'm excited for myself and all the possibilities I have in front of me as far as my education goes and, well, pretty much as far as everything goes. I'm more nervous about it all than I thought I'd be too, and I think that stems from my fear of letting others that I love and care about, down. Of course I know no matter my outcome down south, or anywhere for that matter, the people that love me, will always.

I'm thinking this entry might confuse some of my wonderfully faithful readers, because just weeks ago I was preaching about how this is the first decision in my life I've ever been %100 sure about. Well, I'm not taking those words back by any means here. What I'm doing right now is venting. Venting about how life stinks sometimes. Venting about how sometimes it's hard to move 900 miles away from comfortable, safe, normalcy, home. Venting about how I'm scared to death I won't get into the school of my choice and then what?? That was basically the entire purpose to this move. Stuff doesn't always happen according to the plans we make for ourselves. That sounds very simple and it definetly sounds obvious, but it's true and I'm only recently letting that knowledge soak in. I'm a firm believer in everything happening for one reason or another and that's why I haven't gone totally nuts yet. I'm ok with patiently waiting and letting myself "go with the flow." This move so far, has helped me come to terms with the fact that instant gratification doesn't always occur and when it doesn't occur, I can't let myself get bent out of shape about it, because eventually, it will and hey, if I've learned that much in this little time, than that's a start right??

In closing, because it's late and I'm tired and I have a long day of laying on the beach ahead of me <---- be jealous it's ok; I just want to inform anyone who reads this, that if you ever decide to move far away from home, pick up the phone and call once in awhile. It's those familiar voices that will ultimately bring you sanity when you think there is none to be had......

Time to say "Thank You"

2005-05-11T17:10:00.000-04:00

With my move back the beach looming in the extreme distant future, I wanted to take some time to contemplate on my love for family and friends in NY and it's high time I said thank you.

Even though these two people deserve more than mere thanks, I'm going to feebly put into words what the past 22 years have been like with them as my beloved mom and dad.....

.....Mom, your virtues are something to envy. Even though I consider our relationship to be a close mother/daughter bond, there are still some aspects I wish that were different about our closeness. What I'm trying to say is; I wish I was more like you. You are without a doubt the kindest woman on earth and anyone who knows you could agree with that statement. I wish I had half of "saintly" traits you possess. You've always lent your ears when I needed them and your wise advice when asked for. You've never said "I told you so." You've allowed me to grow in ways I never dreamed possible if I didn't have your constant support. Even though there have been plenty of times when I have disappointed you, I want you to know I try my hardest not to, believe it or not. To me, disappointing you and dad is much worse than any punishment, criticism, ridicule, or revenge I could ever receive. I love you mommy dearest, I'll miss you, thank you, from the bottom to the top of my heart....thank you.

Daddy dear, thank you so much for always carrying me on your shoulders. What a little princess I was, never wanting to walk around anywhere! I loved when your face got scraggly with a beard, the bristles tickled my little palms.
Have I ever told you that I admire you? If I did, I don't say it nearly as often as I think it. You are a Veteran and someone who makes it impossible not to be extremely proud of. I am blessed to have a hero for a father. You are a protector and all you do is care about others. You are always more than willing to drop what you're doing if I need you and come to my rescue (even if I am miles and miles away from home) Where you and mom are will always be where my heart is. I love you daddy, you are a remarkable man, so in my own way I'm trying to say....thank you.

Now, my two big brothers. Definitely could not have had two more perfect big bro's if I had the option of hand-picking them myself. Of course if I was 10 writing this entry I would be complaining about how annoying you both were; always beating on me, teasing me, making me cry, using me as your tackling dummy in the snow, taking my dolls and hiding them on me or ripping their hair out, etc. Fortunately, I'm not 10 anymore. I was always so lucky growing up to have you both on my side. You two have taught me so much, and you probably don't even realize it. So you didn't make it to all my cheerleading tournaments. You were there for me when it really counted and you continue to be. I like having friends as brothers. Thank you....thank you for just being you.

I don't even know where to begin to say thank you to the sister I never had. Aunt Chris I want you to know that I would not be me if you weren't around. You have helped guide me along the bumpy path of that which is my life. You have always made yourself very approachable. I believe I can tell you anything without worry of judgement or criticism (except of course when it comes to the decisions I have made involving certain piercings or "body art"--but we won't talk about that right now) You are constantly available to listen to me bitch or cry or anything of that nature. That isn't the case with just me either, you are this way with everyone in your life. I admire how you've given back to the people in your life who've nurtured you in the past. As frustrating as that may get sometimes, you still remain poised and devoted. I love you Aunt Chrissy, I'll miss you tremendously. Thank you for absolutely EVERYTHING you do for me, everything you give up for me, just plain EVERYTHING.

My lovely friggin girlfriends will not go un-thanked in this blog. You gals are my rock. Our friendships haven't always been tight and we've even gone certain amounts of time without speaking at all, but honestly that's what I love about each one of ya's. No matter what happens or how long it's been since we've talked, we've always managed to find our way back to each other and when we do.....it's as if nothing changed, we still love each other just as much as we did day one. Each one of you does something different for our click, and without any particular one, the click just wouldn't be the same. For this I must apologize, because sadly I'm leaving you girls. None of you will EVER be replaced in my heart and no amount of space or miles that separate will ever change that (sounds rather cliche) but it's the damn truth. Thank you for being my sanity when I feel scared or lonely. I know I'll always be able to count on you and I thank God for that. I love you....GOSH :)

Last but certainly not least....JSJ. Just because our relationship did not go as smoothly as either one of us had hoped and worked for, I'm always going to be thankful for ever having you in my life. I grew with you, I matured with you, I felt what true love was with you. I'll never forget the way you made me feel because genuinely I've never felt higher in my entire life. The "good" parts of our relationship always overcame the "bad," which is ultimately what helped us to last so long. Unfortunately, things changed and we'll just leave it at that. I need you to know how special you were/are to me , you will never be replaced and I thank you for all you did for me the past 5 years. I feel no regret and I feel no resentment. I'm glad I had the chance to be yours. Good luck in all you do, you will always be in my prayers and heart.

NY and the people I love will be missed, it's just time for me to go.

I've never been more sure....

2005-05-07T21:00:00.000-04:00

I've been making a lot of life altering decisions lately. Normally, when it comes down to me making such a choice like where to go to school, whether or not to live on my own in an entirely different state, or whether or not to end a huge relationship with someone I've loved for the better part of my early adult life, I fold under the pressure and always go the safe route. You see, all the aforementioned are decions I have made in the past and quickly retracted because I was scared shitless to be completely honest. I was scared of being away from what was comfortable and "safe."

I've been doing the same thing with my life that I've been doing since I graduated from high school. I've been squeeking by, waiting tables, as I know I've complained about numerous times, and I have never done anything to make myself feel better about who I am and where my life is; until now.

I took myself right back to square one by moving back to New York this past winter, but I don't regret it. If I hadn't of moved back to Maylong Dr. I wouldn't have found out all the elements of myself that I never knew existed. I gathered up the courage to end what needed to end and I've made the decision to return to school and get my bachelor's degree. What's even better about this epiphany, is that I've made the choice to do so 800 miles away from home. 800 miles away from normalcy and safety. I made a pretty hefty decision not too long ago and my feelings were incredibly uneasy. Nothing felt right about my choices, and it was conflicting with everything I tried to accomplish. Some people in my life may tell me I'm acting irrationally and I'm making a hasty decision I'm going to end up regretting. Even if that were the case (which it's not) everyone knows it's ok to make fixable hasty decisions, because of that fact alone, they're fixable.

I'm doing the fixing now though. I'm cleaning up what needs cleaning and I'm leaving NY. I'm leaving behind stuff that should have been left behind a long time ago and I've never been more sure.....

"Where was I last night?" Finale

2005-04-03T00:57:00.000-05:00

I've always thought it to be strange that there are only bits and pieces of an evening that remain locked inside your memory's capacity. And then there are rather crucial parts from the prior evening, that have totally lost any glimmer of recollection. I mean of course one could say that it's the result of drinking entirely too much for your own good. But in my case; I feel like it goes deeper than that.

Drinking is my escape, as most alcoholics would say. It is a way for me to let loose, and do the things I only dream about doing when I'm sober. It allows me to act in any way that I please and hold no regard to the consequences, however life altering they can be. It also allows me to forget about the failing woman I have become. In the morning, I won't need to dwell on the actions I made when I was drunk, because I simply will not remember them.

I felt a chill in my bones as I sat in that bathroom. I did something last night, something huge. I can feel it deep inside myself. Suddenly I recognized who's bathroom I was in. It was Nate's. I immediately panicked because being in Nate's bathroom means I was in Ellen's as well. I bolted for the front door and then I heard my name.

"Val?"

I stood there in silence, my eyes glued to the door knob.

"Val, don't go, we need to talk," Nate subtly pleaded.

I turned around and became weak in the knees. He was still as good looking as ever. Damnit! Why couldn't he look awful? Why couldn't he look like the train wreck I was resembling this morning? I opened my mouth to tell him that talking wouldn't be necessary. Although I didn't remember the events from the night before, there was obviously a reason for that. I didn't want to know what awful acts of adultry I'm sure I committed. I wanted to tell him that I was completely fine with walking around obliviously forgetful and hungover.
No words came out when I opened my mouth. I stood there with a look of disdain on my face. I knew he would tell me what happened. He'd tell me how much he loves his wife and how whatever happened between him and I should never happen again. He'd be sorry for hurting me and then ask me to leave. I don't want to put myself through him asking me to leave. I don't want to hear how much he loves Ellen.
God he was handsome. I love you Nate. Why can't I just speak?

We stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity.

"Please sit down," he motioned me towards his ugly brown and yellow recliner.

I always told him he should send that hideous piece of furniture to the street, but he told me in his defense that he'd had that chair since the very first time he lived on his own out of his parents house and as long as it was in working order, he was keeping it. He said the chair was practically family. I laughed to myself as I sunk into the chair slouching my back in discomfort. Not only is this damn thing ugly, but it was extremely uncomfortable.

My mind races when I'm in sticky situations. Oh what awful things did you do last night, Val? You just don't know when enough is enough. I really shouldn't drink anymore.

Finally, he spoke.

"Last night was pretty crazy. I'm guessing you don't remember much?" The look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He was so easy to read sometimes I swear he doesn't even need to speak and I'll know exactly what's going on inside his head.

"No, I don't and I'm wondering if it's better that way." I'm surprised I got that much out.

That morning was probably when I hit rock bottom and soared to new heights all at once. Nate proceeded to fill in the foggy parts of my 30th birthday.
Jenn and Maggie (my sanity in this world who, thank God, haven't completely deserted my drunk ass yet) practically knocked down my door at dinner time and demanded I shower, get dolled up, and prepare myself for a night not soon to be forgotten. I did as they told me and we headed out for happy hour.

Yes, Jenn and Maggie know about my drinking problem, which is why this particular happy hour was going to be different. All any of us were going to drink was frozen VIRGIN daquiries. They wanted to prove to me that it was possible to have a great time sober. They were thrilled about their plan and couldn't wait to show me how fun life can be, WITHOUT drinking alcohol. Truthfully, I was already drunk when they arrived at my apartment. I had been drinking all afternoon. That's how talented I was, I could actually hide how wasted I was quite well. Obviously I sobered up as the evening progressed and drinking all those frozen drinks was giving me a headache. I regretfully announced at about 10 pm that I would be turning in early. My head ached, my heart ached, and being sober depressed me even more than I already was. The girls fussed for awhile but eventually gave in and took me home.

I was wasted again by midnight watching The Tonight Show, when my phone rang and startled me.

"Happy birthday sweetheart." Nate's voice was softer than silk and just hearing him on the phone sent my heart to my toes. How perfect would it be if he told me right then that he had left Ellen and loved only me? I would tease him a little and tell him I was in disposed with someone else at the moment and ask to call him back. Then I wouldn't call him back until the next day or even the next day after that, and then tease him a bit more before finally giving in to a date, all the while yearning for him like I never have before.

"Nate?" My voice cracked causing me to sound like a true smoker.

I thanked him for calling and acted as though I was busy, so to be the one to end the conversation with him, rather than vice versa. He sounded drunk and blubbered something about Ellen finding out about him and I. I couldn't really understand him but one thing I did catch in my own drunkenness was him say, "She left me."

The words I had been dying to hear were finally spoken and for some reason it didn't affect me in the way that I had imagined so many times before. I didn't react in the way I had rehearsed in my head, and that is because of his reaction. He sobbed. He sobbed uncontrollably. He proceeded to tell me how much he loved her and how awful he felt for screwing it up so badly. He told me he only spent time with me because he was "dreadfully confused" about his feelings for her and the time we had with each other re-affirmed his love for her.

Why didn't I just spare us both the time and shove the daggar into my heart myself? Did he NOT know of my feelings for him? Was he seriously THAT stupid? I contemplated hanging up when he asked if I would come over. Then I knew he was definitely THAT stupid. The line was filled with the sound of our breathing as I thought about what to say next. How could he love Ellen so much and be so upset about her leaving if he wants me to come over? Shouldn't he be trying to win her back? I did indeed miss him. I agreed to visit him.

When I arrived I held him. We talked, we drank, and drank, and drank some more. I must have comforted him marvelously because before I knew it we were laughing again. Laughing like old friends, just like we used to; and for a split second or two I felt happy, genuinely. We weren't talking about him and Ellen any longer. We were talking about each other, about our lives, our drinking, our sobriety, and then I told him the unthinkable, I told him how much I love him. I told Nate about what he has meant to me since the day we met and how jealous I was of his relationship to Ellen. He cried again, only this time he wasn't crying because he wanted Ellen back, he was crying because he never knew how much I truly cared for him. He felt absolutely awful for being so nieve and talking so much about Ellen. He cried for the way he had treated me and he would not stop apologizing. This went on until I simply could not keep my eyes open any longer. He kissed me on my forehead and tucked me into his couch. I passed out that night drunk as a skunk, but feeling much better about, well, everything.

As I sat there listening to Nate fill in the blank parts of the night, I knew this was it. It was an overwhelming epiphany and I almost couldn't even contain myself while he spoke.

Nate and I didn't end up together. In fact, him and Ellen didn't either. Unfortunately, he couldn't stay sober. Sadly, drinking is a part of Nate's life that will never be put aside.
It's better that we didn't get together. He would have dragged me further into my alcoholism and I might not have been able to stop.

Nate was my silent savior though, in more ways than one and for those reasons I will be forever grateful. When I left his house that morning, I felt relieved. I told him everything I always wanted to, but never could. I knew exactly how he felt and I was okay with the end result because there wasn't any regret lingering in the shadows anymore. It was much more uplifting than I could have ever imagined.

I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I found another high paying, high demand, totally loveable job, and I am in bewilderment to this day at how fantastically I turned my life around after one simple event. After having a relationship with one simple man. I don't question it anymore though. It was what it was and Nate saved my life. Presently, all of my nights out are unforgettable and they are that way because I enjoy remembering fun, sober times more than I ever did before. I have better luck than I let myself believe for many years.
I'm content with putting the past behind me and at last I am happy, genuinely.

"Where was I last night?"

2005-03-30T00:13:00.000-05:00

Back in my last semester of college about 1 1/2 ago, I took up a creative writing course as an elective required for my graduation. It was one of the very few I took at MCC that I actually enjoyed attending and actually enjoyed getting homework done for.

Anyway, sometimes when I'm bored I like to read through the text book that I bought for the class, and I like to look at old assignments. Call me a nerd if you want.

For lack of anything better to write about tonight I'm going to share something with you that I wrote for the class. Here goes nothin, sorry ahead of time if you're bored to death.

P.S. In this particular assignment, we needed to make up a story that started in the middle and then gave readers background, rather than most stories that start at the beginning. This is kind of long so I'm probably going to finish it the next time I decide to sit down and write. Okay here ya go.....

"Where was I last night and how did I end up here?"

My head pounded and I could still taste the alcohol on the back of my tongue. My eyes slowly opened adjusting to the brightness of the room and as I lifted my head from the pillow, my neck would not budge from complete stiffness. Where I was still had not registered as I stumbled to the bathroom. My reflection in the mirror resembled a train wreck, and I sort of laughed in spite of myself at how simply awful I looked and worse; how simply awful I felt.

I rumaged through the medicine cabinet searching for something to ease the pain and finally found some aspirin. I took three at a time and pounded a huge glass of water. I took a seat on the edge of the bathtub and desperately tried to recall the night before.....

It was my birthday. My 30th birthday to be exact. To me, being 30 meant being really old and I had let it become quite the crisis. In fact I was in denial about turning 30 the day I turned 29!

Anyway, my friends simply would not let me stay home with my dog and 2 cats so they forced me into a dress and took me out. I went out all right, I went out hard.

About 4 years prior to my 30th, my father passed away. This devastated me. My father raised me. He wasn't just a father to me, he was a very good friend as well.
My mother left us both when I was 7. She had suffered from severe depression and was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder after a year's worth of symptoms. She blamed it on me. I was quite the "handful," as she ever so subtly liked to put it and she didn't know how to properly look after me when my father was at work or doing other things, so she left.
Sometimes, late at night I could hear my dad sobbing into his pillow down the hallway, begging God to bring her back to him. For years I lived with this guilt. I felt ashamed that I could be such a rotten child. I even ran away from home one day in faith that this would bring my mother home and my father happiness once again. When he found me later that evening at the park down the street from my house he scolded me good. He begged me never to leave him again and for some reason, as sad as my dad had been after my mother left us, me running away was the best thing I could have ever done for him and I. I never heard him cry again after that day.
When he passed my friends tried desperately to cheer me up and for months it simply wasn't possible.

Shortly after the funeral was when I met Nate. Just thinking about Nate puts a smile on my face. He sure knew what to do with a girl like me. When I say a girl like me, I mean a high maintence, career-driven, know-it-all, alcoholic. I hate admitting my problems out loud, it causes me to feel the shame I felt when my mother left so many years ago, and unfortunately as I got older I picked up a few of her tendencies, one being alcoholism. All I ever drank was Jack on the rocks, Jack straight up, Jack with Coke, but I drank it often, and I drank it a lot.
I blamed it all on being a girl raised by a man, who was dumped by her mother, and who has a very demanding career that requires constant attention and gridlock deadlines.

When I met Nate I was at the high point of my alcoholism, if there is such a thing. My dad was gone, I was turning 30 right before my very eyes, and all I wanted more than anything was to crawl into a hole with a never-ending supply of Jack Daniels and never come out again.

How perfect Nate was. He took me to my AA meetings. He showed me how enjoyable life can be when you're sober. He treated me like gold every opportunity he had. However, there was one catch; Nate was a recovering alcholic as well, and Nate's sponsor?? His beautiful wife, Ellen.

Gotta love my luck. I fell hard for Nate. Apparently so did Ellen. I wasn't one to break up a marriage however happy or unhappy it may have been, so I split. He didn't stop me like I wished he would have, but it went smoother that way, and honestly what did I expect? Did I expect him to love me as much as I had loved him?? Did I expect him to see in me what I saw in him?? Did I expect to touch his life in the ways he had touched mine??

Totally.

Of course I fell back in love with the only man who's never left me. One could say I fell off the wagon and I hit ground hard. My friends began to give up. They stopped calling as often. I wasn't ever leaving my apartment unless it was for a new bottle or a pack of smokes. I got fired from my job and really had no reason to exist. My 30th was quickly approaching and I wondered if anyone in my life was even going to remember......

People remembered all right. I sat on the cold side of the bathtub and rubbed my temples ever so slightly and asked myself again.....

"Where was I last night and how did I end up here?"

Please take notice

2005-02-17T18:35:00.000-05:00

I don't want to cause anyone to fall asleep here so I'll get this party started by telling you some stuff about me that you won't get to see in my "extended profile." I come from an extremely well-rounded family. My mother and father are still married after almost 30 years. I am the baby sister of two older brothers and I couldn't have been happier having it any other way. I'm Roman Catholic and since I've become more of an "adult," I've strayed from the whole Church scene. I can't even really tell you why. Forgive me for saying this but, I found mass to be boring the older I got. Which seems strange because when you're a child you're obviously not comprehending all that's being said at mass. Your mind is more often than not wandering to thoughts of playing on the swing set when you get home. But it's true- mass became boring. Plus, I began developing my own opinions of religion. Don't get me wrong, I still pray quite regularly through out the day, most often before I go to sleep at night. I feel guilty sometimes asking God for things, simply because I don't take an hour out of my week to attend mass, like I was taught my whole life. Honestly though, I feel that even if certain beliefs and ideas are instilled in our minds as children, no matter what, exposure to life as we get older will cause us to do the opposite of what was taught. Unfortunately, sometimes that leads to making decisions that aren't always what's best for us. At any rate, I still believe in God, I still believe in all the good things he does for me, and some day, when it's right for me, I will return to mass.
Are you still there???
I've been feeling sort of moody lately and it's been difficult to pinpoint any explanations for it. I graduated with an associates degree in communications last December and right after graduation I moved to South Carolina to be with my boyfriend who was trying to finish school down there. I won't tell you everything about that, but I will tell you the whole move changed my life forever. No longer was I living under the shelter of my parents. I wasn't even doing it in a place semi-close to home. I made the choice when he graduated this past December that I would move back to New York with him. I used to rattle the reasons right off my tongue as to why that was a good idea- moving back home that is. Now those reasons are becoming more and more hard to say. In my opinion, I took steps backwards by moving back to New York. All in the name of love.....? I'm back in my parents house, I'm back to waiting tables...back back back. I guess I just stated the explanation to my moodiness.
You're getting the impression I'm a bitter person. I'm not, I love life and I know what it takes to make me happy, sometimes, it's just a matter of actually doing what it takes that makes me one moody little B****.

More later......

And we're off....

2005-02-17T17:02:00.000-05:00

How should I even begin?? I should tell you that I thoroughly enjoy writing, about what, I'm not too sure. Whatever comes to me I gather. The simple idea of my thoughts possibly affecting someone else in a positive (or even negative) way kind of makes me smile. So I guess you could say that's why I chose to start my blog. This won't be one of those cases where "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all." What I mean is, I look forward to any sort of criticism or thoughts anyone may have about what I choose to say in here, so lay it on me.
The times I've sat down and written in my personal journal, or "diary," if you will, are few and far between. That is because I lack the self confidence needed to actually like what I write, so I don't share my thoughts very often-with others- or even with myself. Once it's written, I rarely read it again. Hell, I'm not even sure I like what I'm saying right now! So I'm sure you've decided at this point that I'm strange and that I don't make much sense. I said I thoroughly enjoyed writing yet I don't do it often because I'm afraid what I say sounds stupid. I won't bore you with explanations right now, I'll just say that you'll hopefully have me figured out in the upcoming blogs, because if you do--you're already steps ahead of me.

Thanx--
Beth